Emotional

I am feeling a little bit emotional right now.

I feel like I have something to say but I have no one to listen to. It's like, 'I have everything yet I possess nothing but I have nothing yet I have everything'.

I have close friends whom I love dearly but when I being apart too long. It's getting awkward to talk like we used to. Besides, they are also busy doing their stuff and their life, so, it's not appropriate to disturb them as they also got issues in their life.

A friend don't feel like a friend though. I don't know...

I have so many thing running in my head but I don't give much thought of it. As far as I am concerned, I feel like I am having this feeling for every semester I've been since degree. I don't feel so much stress when my diploma, I have a lot of fun actually. But degree stuff give me headache most of the time. I couldn't described it in full sentence. I feel pressured from myself. The problem is, I haven't find a way to release it. It gave me so much pain from inside. I don't usually tear up on these occasion. It's not because I hold it, it's more like I couldn't cry. I feel like my heart build a wall.


Ahh. What am I saying? Should stop right here.

Till then.

Painful truth.

People say 'Painful truth is better than beautiful lie'.

I don't agree though it's a good thing because you'll learn how to face the pain.

But, can't we just live happily?

Sometimes, even simple truth can cause you big pain. I rather living in a lie than find myself going through a pain that I'm not sure I can take it or not. Life is only once. Why make yourself unhappy and bother about the truth?

I don't know. Everyone have their own opinions.

Till then.

I'm sorry and thank you.

Initially, I was quite reluctant to write this post but after giving some thoughts, I think it's better if I write since I often forgot these kind of things very quickly and I don't express myself very well and because of it, I ended up being misunderstood all the time.I guess it can't be help because my face itself speak the volume. 

I'm actually not that outspoken but I often let other people aware that I'm being mad because I want them to know how I feel and feel what I feel. I always had this thought that "Why should I be the one who's getting hurt? Why must I give in? Why?" and etc. I thought that I already think in other people's shoes but actually I'm being really immature. Although my friends didn't say anything but later on, I'll realized "Ahh, I'm being too much". But then again, I had my ego all over me. "I can't lose, why should I?" "They are wrong", these words will linger in my mind. Then, when I think of it too much, I'll start to feel guilty then. Haihh. Can't help it. It's like wanted to be nice but at the same time, I also wanted to put myself in the priority. Guess, it may not be a big deal to lose once in a while, right?

I've always have ego and always will. It's not something that can be discard right away. Every change takes time, be it longer or shorter. That is also why I always, often, usually ended up getting into hot argument with my friends. Maybe it's a habit for me? or maybe it already become a hobby. Okay, that's not true. No one loves to fight, especially with your own friends, even best friends. But the truth is, I realized I've been arguing with my friends since school days. I guess I can count myself lucky because most of my friends happen to be the most patience people I ever met in my life. Some of them even say that I have very terrible, unexpected temper. Ahh. I tried to mend it slowly. One of the most hottest argument I've been on is with N. At that time, I nearly lost my control, I just want to hit her so bad. We're both really hot-blooded and we can even sleep side by side without even talking till our roommates can't handle it any longer. But slowly, we sorted it out and we're fine now. in fact, I don't even remember much what that fight is all about. 

I've been in countless of visible fight with K, a little with M and a bit with others as well but I realized that after the fight, we're even closer. Maybe it is what you called 'hikmah'. I thought after those fight I'll be more considerate but no. Like always, I been involved in some.

The most latest argument I've been is a few days ago. Okay, soon after this argument I realized that partially the fault lies on my personality itself. I was way too ego and a bit immature. I suddenly felt that I can't go on like this, I need to stop now. Usually after argument with people, I won't talk to them. It's not that I'm sulking, but I don't like seeing things that makes me hurt. I'm also not the type to go and apologize especially when it is not my fault. Then, after few days, I'll return back to my normal self and start talking to them like nothing happened. I guess I don't confront them because I don't want to know how the ending and awkwardness. So, I rather let it be uncertain and hang over nothing. For me, I think it's better so that if we ever met again in future, I won't be like, " We fought before, right?". My other main problem is that I really hate awkward situations. If I confront them, I'll be awkward, I don't know why but just feel awkward. So, I let it loose and don't think about it and I forgot it later on and that's how it is.

But then, I was being confronted. I admit that I was quite taken aback actually. I'm not scared nor worried but I feel like I got nothing to say probably because I'm not mad anymore and I don't know how to put my feelings into words so that I won't said anything stupid. But then again, I feel awkward, SUPER AWKWARD. I told what I feel and we ended making up dramatically with tears flowing like crazy while I was explaining. I don't usually cry over petty things but probably because I admit that I was at fault and I was being mean to her. She said she can't stand living without talking to each other. If were me, I have plenty of that kind of experiences. I put away my ego and apologized. I think If I follow my ego, things will get worse. I'm really glad that it ends well. Truthfully, I think I'm really mean to her because she's a really nice girl that I can't even find a flaw on her. I'm don't easily sing praise to anyone only if it's true. Well, she lend her ears to me whenever I need a listener. She gave opinions when I need one and she listen to every ridiculous story I told, though she's tired. She's a really nice person, I must say. I gave my promise not to do that to her ever again, but to other people, I cannot guarantee it but I'll try.

P/S to NAA, I'm sorry that I hurt you in a way that I don't realize I did. Sorry for my unexpected personality, listening to my malicious comment, tolerating my mean behaviour and etc. (too many bad habits, can't remember all) and thank you for being so considerate and patient with me for this whole time, even I myself cannot stand my own personality. I can just hope that history won't repeat itself in future. :) InsyaAllah.

People say, being yourself is the best but the truth is, I'm the living prove that it's actually a faux. When I'm keep a straight face, people say I'm arrogant. When I'm trying to help, people say I'm being smart. Just can't please everyone indeed. I think next time, I better keep my mouth shut all the time so that people won't misunderstood. Ahh, just thinking that probably, the word 'Silence' really meant for people like me? Who knows.

Till then.

Something personal

It's hard to open up to people simply because they judge. Well,  honestly I am. I've been quite an introvert few years back till now thanks to my mum who constantly grounding me. So, I think it somehow somewhere contributed to my lack of social skill. I don't approach people easily unless that I had to. I don't simply tag an acquaintance as my friend at first meeting. I scanned people thoroughly and judge them on their first impression. 

I've always been cold. I don't speak to strangers, I don't smile regularly. I hate awkwardness and pretentious. I don't understand why I should pretend to make others happy? Don't I have feelings too? I don't think I am selfish, I just put myself first in the priority. I only live once and I deserve to live happily like others too. 

I've gone through few phases in my life ever since primary school till college days. In that period, I gained a few trustworthy, reliable and good quality of 5 diamonds whose still are my best friends . Why I said few? It's because I found them in the midst of other scattered glasses. Other than that, just normal friends. Like I said, I don't easily opened up to people but luckily they manage to made their own way straight to my heart. ;) Though we are different in personalities, we argue at times, we still love each of us to bits. Though I don't always express my feeling but I do appreciate that you guys could stand my abrasively swing emotions. 

As times goes by, I found another diamonds as well but fewer. I am glad to found them but at the same time I already past the phase where I cleaned up the mess I've done. I tend to let it go and flow as it is. It's not that I don't care but I have other utmost priorities that I should care more just like your case. I am not in the phase where I should be worrying why people hate me, why they do this or that to me because in the end of the day, they won't linger in my life anymore. 

You know you can never have the best of both world right? Even if you can, there are things that you'll need to sacrifice for it. I believe it's true because I sacrificed some in past and present for my future. If the fate has determined that you are one one of the sacrifice that I need to make, well, I guess I need to.  

Till then.

Unspeakable truth

I can say right now I'm in the middle of deciding to vet out my anger or not. Should they be notify or should I just keep silence on the matter?
It's a difficult situation that I'm in now. It's hard when I can't seems to get along well with people except FEW. I've done what been told, I expressed my opinions in not-so-sarcastic-way, I listened to people, etc. It's just.. All I can say, it's not easy to please people. I'm not the person that give a damn about others but still there are SOME that, whether I like it or not, want it or not, I had to give a damn on. Why I am the only one that always need to give in? Why? Why do SOME people have no common sense at all? Are they really that blind? Hmmmphh..


It's.. It's just difficult for me.

Study smart vs Study hard

Assalamualaikum,

Stress is a common word that come out from most students especially near or during final exams. It's like a custom that, final exam = stress. Personally for myself, I do feel a little bit of stress whenever final exam is near. I'll be lying if I say don't. -,- But final exam didn't make me stress as much as when I don't do my revision as much as I could. Haha. I don't mean struggling hard to study but it's enough to know that I do some revision on everything because I believe in study smart not study hard. I can bet that most people misunderstood about the differences between study smart and study hard.

Study smart in my terms is that, you spend your time wisely but not lengthy on doing a particular subject. There's no use to spend 5 hours of studying but didn't exactly know what you are studying about. Therefore, spend a short period with frequent intervals so that your mind can refresh everything. Main key point in study smart is to first understand what you are studying about. The rest will come smoothly. ;)

Study hard in my terms is that, you spend time on doing or revising things that you hardly understand and just plainly, study. -,- It's totally wrong and way too wrong. My friend did the same thing and I don't see any particular improvement on her score by pulling a nighter and some didn't even sleep till the next exam day! I was kind of impressed by that but I don't want to take the risk, as for me, sleep is very essential to maintain our health. Be careful for those who practice 'no sleep before exam', your brain may go blank on the day of exam but if you feel okay by doing that, you are just lucky, plain lucky. 

I do encourage students to practice study smart not study hard. Why choose the long journey if you can take the shortcuts? 

Yes, based on my personal experiences. :)

Uniformity

Assalamualaikum to my future readers,

Today marked my first day as a blogger. I am not too sure what to write about or what to talk about. But well, since Facebook and Twitter are not giving me much privacy as I need, therefore, I convert to blog. I just hope that blogging would give me more privacy. Amin. :)

As for my first post, I would like to share about my thoughts on our country education system as I, myself, are a student. I believe all students would have issues on this 'uniformity' things. But, first thing first, what is uniformity? Uniformity in terms of what? I know it's not a big issue for some people but it's a big issue for me since it bother me a lot. -,-

Personally, I think uniformity is very important to any system in any country. Can you imagine life or world without system? CHAOS! That's for sure! But, it's not about that. Rest assure. Uniformity in my context is about the syllabus in the education in most institutions. Maybe. Well, I don't know about the rest. What I really wonder is that how one institution can have different syllabus and used different textbooks? Some branches use textbooks but some use only manuals according to the lecturer's preference. I admit that using textbooks are good since it comprise most of the syllabus but because it is so thick, it takes forever to finish reading it. On the other side, using manuals is like the easiest way to finish up one whole subject in just one night! But the worst part is, it is too simple since it's like a summary for every chapter. The real issue here is, 'How can different branches using different study material yet sitting for same paper?' I don't see any logic there. So, this resulted in different formula being used and different theories. I even got into heat debate with my friends over this issue since we learn from different lecturers that have different teaching styles. 

That is all I want to talk about. I know, I am just an average student, I have no right to question about anything but at least I can let out my thoughts in here. I just hope that one day, the other side will realize and overcome this issue by standardizing the study material to avoid any dissatisfaction among students.